


Taking the devil to church, or: Plans that need rethinking

by JauntyHako



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, POV Second Person, family trips never end well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2015-06-01
Packaged: 2018-04-02 08:32:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4053490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JauntyHako/pseuds/JauntyHako
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The reader has to take the angels to church. Because of hunting things. The family business gets in the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Taking the devil to church, or: Plans that need rethinking

**Author's Note:**

> The second of the fic I found that I never shared with you guys here. You know, I really love writing reader-insert fic. All the self-indulgence of a self-insert but for everyone.

Two archangels, the devil and a human walk into a church …

As far as jokes went you heard better opening lines. Your life, for example. At least currently, squished between Lucifer on one side and Michael and Gabriel on the other, attending sunday mass. The last time you went to church you had played one of the three shepherds and now you got stuck angel-sitting slash hunting, while the Winchesters conveniently had business on the other side of the country.

„ _ _Just make sure they don’t try to destroy the world or anything.__ He said.  _ _You’ll be fine__ He said.“ You repeated Dean’s advice with a mock tone. Neither angel paid any attention to you.

„Come on, like Jesus would really have gone all pro-government. The kid was subversive as shit. Also a hippie.“

„Their portrayal of me is concerning. Do they not know what angels look like in their natural form?“

„I never said that. And I never said  _ _that__ , either.“

Were but a few of the comments you had to endure as the angels took apart the pastor’s preaching word by word. Already people were looking over their shoulders. You kept Lucifer only so from sticking his tongue out at them.

„Will you shut up already? All three of you. We are supposed to keep a lookout for the church grim. Get your act together.“

You leant back with a sigh of relief as the three mumbled and complained but kept their voices down. For about five minutes.

„Oh,  _ _come__  on. This man is positively out to slander me.“ Lucifer said with a wave towards the front. If he had been anyone else his indignation might have actually moved you.

„That might be because you’re the devil, brother.“ Michael said calmly though not without a thinly-veiled grin.

„And what makes that you in their narrative? A good little soldier sticking pointy metal bits in people?“

„Guys …“ you attempted, with little success.

„At least I don’t throw a temper tantrum everytime someone doesn’t pay me attention.“

„Are you calling me an attention-whore?“

__ Luce has picked up some new words _ _ , you noticed drily.

„I am calling you a  _ _child__ , an immature, whining, pampered, spoiled …“

„LUCIFER! GET OFF MICHAEL, NOW!“You pulled Lucifer back by the waist which proved easy since he was still perched halfway over your lap in his attempt Michael as fast as possible. In your efforts you took a bit of Michael’s hair with you which Lucifer was still firmly pulling, all while spewing obscenities.

„ _ _Get off each other__. Now.“

Finally you had them separated, all three of you breathing heavily while Gabriel had moved to the far end of the bench, watching the fallout with barely hidden amusement. You stared both angels down, daring them to so much as look at you the wrong way.

That was when the pig attacked. It was ten pounds of concentrated fury, hauling itself at you and knocking you down to the ground. Only sheer luck prevented you from splitting your head open on the bench.

„Get the pig!“ Gabriel cried out, throwing himself on the animal and, by extension, you. All air was pressed out of your lungs, not helped by the fact that Gabriel had his merry difficulty getting the pig into its cage.

It was Michael who finally took mercy, putting the pig into its cage and hauling Gabriel up.

As you got to your feet, your new shirt torn at the hem – and  __ someone _ _  would pay for this – you realised for the first time the deathly silence that had fallen upon the church. About fifty pairs of eyes looked at you with varying degrees of confusion and horror. Miserable squeaking was the only thing to break the quiet, echoing from the walls in a cacophony of awkwardness.

„I am so … I have no excuse. So sorry. We’ll just … we’ll just leave.“ you said, gesticulating towards the front doors. The pastor gave you a slow nod of affirmation.

You pulled Lucifer and Michael out by their collars, Gabriel trailing behind you. You didn’t speak the whole ride back to the motel, three angels sitting with guilty expressions in the backseat – Gabriel acting as a buffer between Michael and Lucifer – with the Church Grim, still squeaking, belted down in the front seat.

They went from the backseat to one of the beds in the motel room, Michael looking apologetic while Lucifer had his arms crossed and refused to look at anyone. Gabriel had volunteered himself to take care of the church grim.

„This was supposed to be an easy hunt.“ was the first thing you said after you had cooled down enough to trust yourself not to throw random things at Lucifer and Michael.

„We were hunting a god damned ten pound pig with floppy ears. Every amateur hunter could have done that without causing the mess you did.  _ _What the hell is wrong with you?__ “

Of course what was wrong couldn’t be dealt with in one evening. Michael and Lucifer had been battling out their sibling issues since the dawn of time and now, depowered, their efforts were less destructive but no less emotional. Still you thought it could be expected of two millennia old creatures to get it together for __ one _ _  day.

Michael was the first to speak.

„You have my apologies, Y/N. Lucifer acted childish and inconsequential and I should not have encouraged him.“

That had Lucifer perking up right away.

„ _ _I__ acted childish? Which one of us had to resort to  _ _name-calling__ , when …“

„Enough.“ you said. Both angels fell silent immediately.

„Michael, what you said to Lucifer was uncalled for. Your brother has agreed to put aside your differences to save the world, which is not a mark of immaturity. Especially since  _ _you__  had to be persuaded for far longer.“

Lucifer preened but deflated when your attention to him.

„Lucifer, attacking your brother in the middle of a hunt could have cost us our success. It is luck the church grim perceived you as a threat to its territory and attacked. It could have just as easily hidden giving us no chance of ever finding it.“

In the end you got both of them to apologise, if rather reluctantly.

One thing was for certain. This was the last time you took angels to church.

 

 


End file.
